Examination stress trauma

A post examination epistle by a hypothyroid (Apologies in advance from my respected teacher)

On 2^nd January, when he opened his unsanctioned e-mail at 12 pm he was dazed and shaken to make out that mid-term test was in time (though consistent with schedule given at the start of the semester). Oh Gosh! .. Mine… What do I do now ?

The only hope was his “foreign colleagues” who could not come for the exam due to some security issues and had appealed for a delay.

To cut the long story short, all the dreams, imaginings and optimism for exam delay wrecked and he finally reached the University on drizzly afternoon of Saturday, the 3^rd January.

What a start to the new year! .. He mumbled as soon as he saw the maroon, burgundy, reddish-purple, claret, wine-colored car of his professor, who was bending inside his car getting hold of the papers. Snatch and run ! … Was the first thought. Then the conscience cried, Nooooooo ! Have Trust and conviction, you can still do well with 12 hours study and hard work since yesterday (even during the 3 hours travel).

He felt better when met with some of his class fellows who discovered the names of the subjects from him. Hmmm! I am far far better, he gave himself a pat with compassion and spirit.

The examination foyer opened finally, he entered and took the stool of choice (At times he needs two as side handle at times is not usable – he is big too).

Eagle eyes of the smart professor aimed at him. Hey, You please, come ahead and take the fore most seat please. He jumped off his bench like a spring (sign of respect, obedience and submission). Sir, he bawled and took the mentioned seat. The only thing now in his mind then was, “how shall I use the side handle of this super duper examination chair of A-University (in fact A-one university)”.

The paper was finally handed over. Would that, Oh God, ….. Would that, I had studied a little more, I might have attempted enough to ……… to ….. to … to .. to. fail in a less drastic and radical way.

But as soon as he kept on going forth, he had a hope …. I may pass, I may pass … I may pass.

Finally the paper ended …. on what a tremendous note J J J . The bombastic A-university (A-one) had electricity breakdown and the generator available was too big to generate such small amount of electricity required, even the generator is A-one.

He handed over the paper to the professor, thinking, how can I become knowledgeable like him ?

Ending

With
an undertaking and promise to do well in the final exam Inshallah
Dr. Z

I liked this one in particularly. Excellent sense of humour

2nd May it was this time; right after the Labor Day. Hmmm, so I need to put myself out to endeavor on Labor Day. What a lesson the professor gives every time; he is innovative, inventive, ground breaking, ingenious, nifty and what not and what not! …

Finally, the day came. He reached the university as per the schedule just before 1600 PST. The clock struck 1600 PST, quarter past 1600, half past 1400. Huh! … What is happening precisely? He asked himself and then hurried to the administration room where he was welcomed grudgingly and stingily by the gaze of a smart, chic and modish couple who in spite of knowing that someone entered the room , just overlooked . Ahmm, ahmm ! .. he grunted to gain some attention. The lady moved her roll neck in a way like she had tons and oodles of weight on her head and gazed in a way that felt like she will just eat him and swallow without chewing and will not even burp. eh ! .. I felt if I was a rotten, decayed, putrid piece of bread that she just wanted to fling outside (I was wearing green). What paper is the time? Oops!... Sorry, what time is the paper, he exclaimed in a way like he had to use a lot of force while constipated. Its at 4 pm. Don’t you know? She yelled. Oh sir, sorry; I mean ma’m, its already 4 PST. She just turned towards her PC; huh ! .. the paper is at 4 pm (purana standard time), get it ? oh yes, got it ma’m. He rushed outside as he was followed by some infuriated mad dogs; while leaving he heard some giggly mirth behind him.

Now came the heroes and female protagonists of the A-university!.... . How is the preparation dears, He asked. The answers were: ah! What subject? Oh when, yeah we are policy makers-the masterminds, you big yet small piece of protoplasm, go away, huh ! ..

Finding tranquility nowhere, he had to rest in peace at the A-university gate in a friend’s car. At 1645 PST (I hope I don’t need to repeat and remind what it stands for), the sovereign, the supreme, the ultimate Professor entered in his regal, extravagant, royal, splendid, wine colored burgundy sedan. He sprung out of the seat and car unintentionally as the professor went past him. The entry was extraordinary and phenomenal than ever before.
He rushed to examination foyer and took the seats (he needs 2 A-seats, remember). The question paper was distributed and the show began. “Name and percentage” was a field to be filled on the answer sheet, he noticed. Percentage? what the percentage has to do with name? Took him 3 minutes to think and then by consulting a nearby heroin, he found out its parentage not percentage. Ah ! ….. God ! ..

How can the A-university traditions not be kept? The light went off after about half the time. And then, the A-university admin launched a new-fangled, innovative, modern and contemporary way of comforting and facilitating the students. They turned the generator on but not a simple plain one which generates electricity to run lights but the one of its own kind which gives a feeling if thundering and lightening is going on by producing thunder like noises and making the lights flash in an irregularly irregular way to create panorama of lightening. I wonder if they will arrange to sprinkle some water from the adjacent washroom to add a rainy feeling for the students to attempt paper in an artificial natural environment in the next exam. After all, its A-university, not a gossip.

2 minutes left, shouted the professor and he started wrapping up what he had made World Bank to do to reshape public health reforms in Sweet Pakistan.

“Better Public health in Pakistan specially for the mothers and children”, he m the slogan while handing over the paper to the professor and left the hall thinking, if I will pass this time?

Now Decoding the Morse Code- Reflections from the D-Day

Stepping out of the car, cursing the traditional Peshawari Heat, as I glanced the building of the University, the lens focused on a guy, who faintly reminds me of the comedian Shakeel Siddiqui, only comes to University during exams.....standing on an open balcony and talking about eradicating some rare pediatric disease......Two things flew past my mind....1) If wishes were Horses, and for a moment everyone looked like a Horse, and then as senses regained....I was worried the guy might jump down while talking about novel ideas to eradicate a peculiar disease. Huh.....I said, somethings never change.........

And as I completed my holding patterns routine at the University, and sipping on a cup of brown warm water ( Have heard some at the University call it Qehwa), took the million dollars bills a.k.a papers and proceeded to the Hall.....

Ahaaannn... All the passengers were in the terminal and the looks were as the plane for sure will go down in the Indian Ocean. There was a brief period of abnormal jerky arrhythmic movements here and there, before the storm looked settled. As usual, some people not ditching their hopes of making the best of their geographical covariates, still were convinced that the Examiner will sooner or later go to nap, and then they can exercise their spying skills on others to drop in a few lines....
So a brief reshuffling was done and some mummbled as they were relocated to their new destinations.MOst of the ladies were made to sit in the front

Papers were distributed and as the papers were being explained, the beautiful colors of Universe were criss crossing the faces of the many, making rainbow like patterns. Many were still holding high to their promises "WE WILL NEVER STUDY", NO MATTER WHATEVER COMES MAY......
As soon paper started, a new tirade of silly questions starting coming in chocking the servers inside my upper storey. ....Ah Excuse me Sir, What is BCC......Its Behavior Change Communication......Ahhhh. Excuse me sir, what is Behaviour Change Communication......@#$%! Cant tell you, go back and answer the questions.

Now I was asking myself....Why on earth they are allergic to Iodized Salt...Do our Public Health Threat Gurus,..... also fear that it might make them infertile.....Same Pakistani mumbo jumbo.....

One Lady with Zero Numbered Spectacles (She was giving the impression that my eyesight has grown weak with hours and hours of study)....started asking silly questions. She was politely reminded that if you were ever present in my class, you would havent asked the question, the adamant lady said that she is always there, and has just missed only ONE of my class.......God....So much stress.....resulting in Visual Hallucinations and ideas of reference.....But anyhow the lady works as Psycologist and you know working as Psychologist in Pakistan, you get the same within a matter of few months.....

Another guy with burnt sauna like skin started to have neck torticollis. After every 3 minutes the neck was rhythmically turning 90-120 degrees both sides with small murmurs (not cardiac murmurs) coming out of mouth. The ultrasonic voices were also reaching the delicate sensors located inside 2 ears of the Hawk sitting in front of the Hall..... Hey you,,,....Dont talk, dont disturb others..... was the clear Richard Holbrooke style message, but the response was also Zardari style.

Another clean shaven skinny guy, who talks in a traditional kaliwaal accent sitting alongside the wall (Ref. Pink Floyd's Another BRICK on the Wall), was starring the Professor right between his eyes, and the Professor reflected back the Laser Beams with a crystal clear message that Hold on..... Any measure to cheat will be strictly dealt with. SO the guy ditched his plan at the 11th hour and decided to fail with dignity and honour

Strangely another aging lady who recently joined the political arena surprised by not moving her neck so much this time, and was content with the fate. What a pleasent surprise.........

And as my Canadian trained Long Haul Radar scanned the remaining territories, another Lady who has joined the program a few weeks ago, was starring blankly at the paper..... No movements, no eye movements, frozen in time, place and person.....Absence Seizures was the first thing to bombard the mind......but then said to myself......Never heard about Absence Seizures in Iodine Deficiency.....Good that I am not a Clinician.

The atmosphere was dull as soon as the first paper poured in, it was from a huge Lady who always seems confused, give in the paper and walk out heavily perspiring. Time was precious so I started to check right there and then. Viola!!!!!!! the lady started the show with a BIG ZERO, and I embraced myself for another storm in a cup of tea.......One by one the heroes and heroins were falling, in the line of the fire, and it reminded me of one of my teachers, the honorable Iqbal Mustafa, quoting the Greek King Tiberius who once after a victory said "One more victory like this and we are totally ruined"

Most of the folks had unpinned and unstapled the papers and as the time wheel rolled on, Constipation gave way to Diarrhea, and everybody hurried to hand over the paper and run as fast as they can, lest someone may call from the back and say....Sohnayo....There is another paper too....Please come back

Soon the time was over, and the remaining hard nuts were forced to hand over their papers. As I grabbed the loads of papers and went down the stairs, many were standing at the entrance of the main Arrivals Terminal in groups of 2-4 and discussing their papers. Never ever in my life I have seen the Hypos so active after giving their best in the papers.

Papers were easy to check as there was actually nothing inside to check except a few good, who had studied and knew what they were talking about........

Clapping and applause.

Sir, absolutely incredible. I just loved reading it.
Outstanding sense of humor.